Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
im calling her cock vulture from now on
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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