Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Randomize
