i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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