Those balls look pretty dangerous.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize