he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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