chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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