Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
