3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Randomize
