My room smells like vodka and shame
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
