mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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