Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
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And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
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still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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