Don't make out with my wife yet
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Randomize
