found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
So squirting runs in the family.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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