My sheets look like a crime scene.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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