just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
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