omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Randomize
