I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
