I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
