He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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