i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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