i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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