I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
