Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
