I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
