I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
