He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I think I won the penis lottery.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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