Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
