and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
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