i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
