his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
