Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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