It's like God shit irony all over that family
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
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