Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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