i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
