I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Randomize
