Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Redeem this text for a blowjob
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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