if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Randomize
