i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
