Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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