I looked at my own cervix.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
