he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
