I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
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