wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
