If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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