john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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