i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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