she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
