That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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