You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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