I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
