just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
