you guys were way drunker than both of me
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
