I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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