Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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