Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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