apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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