Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Randomize
